I'm ready to move on. I'm not giving up, but I'm going to learn to live in state of desire without living in a state of anxiety. I have to.
I heard a song yesterday on my roadtrip back from Louisville, and it said something like this: "This dream I'm chasing would mean nothing without you." Our hearts' desire is to have children - to have a family. And somewhere in that pursuit, Nathan and I have been pulled apart. We have not pushed each other away; it's quite the opposite actually. We've reached out for each other and, in some ways, become closer than I knew we could be. We've worked together toward a common goal. Yet, we never spend any time alone together; we never nurture each other. We no longer have our weekly date night. I no longer make one of his favorite dinners every week. We've become so busy with "life" that we've neglected our friendship. I'm trying to remember the last time we had an evening when we just sat on the porch talking about whatever was running through our heads, and I can't.
It's like seeing two swimmers holding onto to each other while being pulled apart by a torrent of whirling seas and insurmountable waves. We've learned to remain a team and stay strong despite all that is going on around us. But that's all we could do. There hasn't been energy for anything else. We have to take the opportunity to climb to safety aboard a vessel. The storms won't go away. But we don't have to be in the midst of the waves. We want to stop expending all our energy on trying to stay afloat, and start using it to get the boat to shore. We want to be close to the Captain of the ship, so we can see His plan. It's time to stop letting ourselves get knocked down by the waves and start looking for the path out of the storm from the cabin of the ship.
One of my sermon notes from years ago about Jonah has a quote from C.S. Lewis: "Pain is God's megaphone." I have allowed so much "noise" in my life that God's voice has been drowned out. I pray constantly for God to reveal His will, yet I don't make an opportunity for Him to answer. I fill the quiet with TV, Facebook, chatting with friends, etc because I'm trying to fill the void of not having a family of our own. I need to spend more time in meditation wherein God can communicate with me without always having to use His megaphone.
When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, Lord,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.
~Jonah 2:7
