From my daily devotional:
"Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" Matthew 8:26
"It is when crisis arives that we instantly reveal upon whom we rely. If we have been learning to worship God and to place our trust in Him, the crisis will reveal that we can go to the point of breaking, YET without breaking our confidence in Him." (My Utmost for His Highest)
My recent anger with God (and with life and everything about it) has revealed that I'm more than angry with God. I haven't thought for one moment that I had lost my faith in Him. After all, I still believe that He is the one and only Almighty, that He is in control, that He answers prayer. But yesterday's devotion explained what I've been trying to figure out. Why has my anger been developing into a distrust of Him? I think I now understand!
I am at the point of breaking. But I'm forcing myself to hold onto my faith; I hold on because I know that life without God's guidance is a life I never want to live again. So why is it having to be forced? Because my mind tells me that I believe even though my heart tells me, "Don't let yourself get hurt anymore!!" I'm so weary of being let down - month after month, scan after scan, test after test. I'm weary of seeing families immersed in selfishness. I'm weary of the
old-adaged, albeit well-intentioned, encouragement that seems only to remind me that we still don't have a family (although, it also remindes me just how many friends and family we have who care).
In my weariness, I began to doubt God and His almighty power. But none of these things were God's doing; these are simply things of the world. Had I been daily nurturing, worshiping, and keeping Him in the forefront of my mind and actions, perhaps I would not have lost confidence in Him.
I never before realized that I am who Jesus is speaking to on the stormy seas in the 8th chapter of Matthew. But I am, and I must fully lean into Jesus, not just verbally or mentally, but in my spirit. It is only then that I will be able to hold onto my faith and trust in Him.
Psalm 128 says:
1 Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him.
3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house...
4 Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord.
I am holding onto this promise, in faith, through His strength - not my own.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Pain is God's Megaphone
I'm ready to move on. I'm not giving up, but I'm going to learn to live in state of desire without living in a state of anxiety. I have to.
I heard a song yesterday on my roadtrip back from Louisville, and it said something like this: "This dream I'm chasing would mean nothing without you." Our hearts' desire is to have children - to have a family. And somewhere in that pursuit, Nathan and I have been pulled apart. We have not pushed each other away; it's quite the opposite actually. We've reached out for each other and, in some ways, become closer than I knew we could be. We've worked together toward a common goal. Yet, we never spend any time alone together; we never nurture each other. We no longer have our weekly date night. I no longer make one of his favorite dinners every week. We've become so busy with "life" that we've neglected our friendship. I'm trying to remember the last time we had an evening when we just sat on the porch talking about whatever was running through our heads, and I can't.
It's like seeing two swimmers holding onto to each other while being pulled apart by a torrent of whirling seas and insurmountable waves. We've learned to remain a team and stay strong despite all that is going on around us. But that's all we could do. There hasn't been energy for anything else. We have to take the opportunity to climb to safety aboard a vessel. The storms won't go away. But we don't have to be in the midst of the waves. We want to stop expending all our energy on trying to stay afloat, and start using it to get the boat to shore. We want to be close to the Captain of the ship, so we can see His plan. It's time to stop letting ourselves get knocked down by the waves and start looking for the path out of the storm from the cabin of the ship.
One of my sermon notes from years ago about Jonah has a quote from C.S. Lewis: "Pain is God's megaphone." I have allowed so much "noise" in my life that God's voice has been drowned out. I pray constantly for God to reveal His will, yet I don't make an opportunity for Him to answer. I fill the quiet with TV, Facebook, chatting with friends, etc because I'm trying to fill the void of not having a family of our own. I need to spend more time in meditation wherein God can communicate with me without always having to use His megaphone.
When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, Lord,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.
~Jonah 2:7
I heard a song yesterday on my roadtrip back from Louisville, and it said something like this: "This dream I'm chasing would mean nothing without you." Our hearts' desire is to have children - to have a family. And somewhere in that pursuit, Nathan and I have been pulled apart. We have not pushed each other away; it's quite the opposite actually. We've reached out for each other and, in some ways, become closer than I knew we could be. We've worked together toward a common goal. Yet, we never spend any time alone together; we never nurture each other. We no longer have our weekly date night. I no longer make one of his favorite dinners every week. We've become so busy with "life" that we've neglected our friendship. I'm trying to remember the last time we had an evening when we just sat on the porch talking about whatever was running through our heads, and I can't.
It's like seeing two swimmers holding onto to each other while being pulled apart by a torrent of whirling seas and insurmountable waves. We've learned to remain a team and stay strong despite all that is going on around us. But that's all we could do. There hasn't been energy for anything else. We have to take the opportunity to climb to safety aboard a vessel. The storms won't go away. But we don't have to be in the midst of the waves. We want to stop expending all our energy on trying to stay afloat, and start using it to get the boat to shore. We want to be close to the Captain of the ship, so we can see His plan. It's time to stop letting ourselves get knocked down by the waves and start looking for the path out of the storm from the cabin of the ship.
One of my sermon notes from years ago about Jonah has a quote from C.S. Lewis: "Pain is God's megaphone." I have allowed so much "noise" in my life that God's voice has been drowned out. I pray constantly for God to reveal His will, yet I don't make an opportunity for Him to answer. I fill the quiet with TV, Facebook, chatting with friends, etc because I'm trying to fill the void of not having a family of our own. I need to spend more time in meditation wherein God can communicate with me without always having to use His megaphone.
When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, Lord,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.
~Jonah 2:7
Friday, June 29, 2012
Vampire Bunnies, Scarecrows, and Pirates
Summer has certainly ushered itself in, and in doing so has brought A LOT of heat! Dead grass, an empty water bowl, and constant reports of "Aunt Lori, I'm thirsty!" keep the current drought in the forfront of my mind. So, I turn on the sprinkler in the front yard (to water the grass and the kids). I refill the dog's water bowl 3 or 4 times a day. I pour dozens of cups of water and juice each day. It's usually late July or August before these things become the norm, but every year is different, I suppose, and so I roll with the punches. Although this drought has been ongoing for over a month now, I'm just seeing the metaphor between the drought of nature and my own drought.
I've been watching parts of myself wither and die of thirst, and yet I've not been able to figure out how to quinch them or bring them back to life. One of my best friends and I started a women's Bible study together last week: Stuck by Jennie Allen. It has been like a daily watering for my spirit. Part of my frustration of late has been the constant, "Everything will work out," "It will happen when it's supposed to happen," etc. But I know that it may not happen, so I've been searching to find God's provision for my heartbreak. I've felt unfit, inept, unworthy, unfaithful. And I see all these things as weaknesses that I have to fix before God can "make it happen" for us. But Allen discusses in her study that God's power is brought to it's full potential through our weaknesses. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Christ says, "'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
This seems so fundamentally backward from what our human nature desires and finds normal. We fight to be perfect, to be successful, to be strong and independent. But last night while journaling, God gave me this mental image: When someone is drowning and fighting to stay afloat, it is nearly impossible to save them. But when they lose all stregnth and quit fighting, the rescuer can then save them. Similarly, when we quit fighting by ourselves to stay afloat in our own struggles, God can use our weaknesses to help us. Thus, the addage: "Let go, and let God," which is based in scripture in Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God."
Stuck is my "summer reading," and the kids are doing lots of summer reading, as well. I suppose they are doing "summer listening" since they can't read much yet (although Faith is doing great with Dr. Suess and Eric Carle books). So far, we've read Bunnicula, Wizard of Oz, and Peter Pan,which we just finished today. We started The Case of the Invisible Dog, which is a story in a series about 4 kid-detectives matching wits with the 9-year-old scientist next door. I was very proud of Faith and Ryan for seeing the parallel with the mystery-solving genre of the Scooby Doo series. It is a much shorter book than the other 3 we've read, so I imagine we'll be in a new book by early next week. Ryan asked if we could read Treasure Island, so the children's chapter-book edition is on the bookshelf, along with Little Women, Swiss Family Robinson, and Tom Sawyer. The kids seem to love these illustrated chapter-book editions of classic literature, and I'm truly enjoying taking them on these little adventures into their imaginations!
I've been watching parts of myself wither and die of thirst, and yet I've not been able to figure out how to quinch them or bring them back to life. One of my best friends and I started a women's Bible study together last week: Stuck by Jennie Allen. It has been like a daily watering for my spirit. Part of my frustration of late has been the constant, "Everything will work out," "It will happen when it's supposed to happen," etc. But I know that it may not happen, so I've been searching to find God's provision for my heartbreak. I've felt unfit, inept, unworthy, unfaithful. And I see all these things as weaknesses that I have to fix before God can "make it happen" for us. But Allen discusses in her study that God's power is brought to it's full potential through our weaknesses. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Christ says, "'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
This seems so fundamentally backward from what our human nature desires and finds normal. We fight to be perfect, to be successful, to be strong and independent. But last night while journaling, God gave me this mental image: When someone is drowning and fighting to stay afloat, it is nearly impossible to save them. But when they lose all stregnth and quit fighting, the rescuer can then save them. Similarly, when we quit fighting by ourselves to stay afloat in our own struggles, God can use our weaknesses to help us. Thus, the addage: "Let go, and let God," which is based in scripture in Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God."
Stuck is my "summer reading," and the kids are doing lots of summer reading, as well. I suppose they are doing "summer listening" since they can't read much yet (although Faith is doing great with Dr. Suess and Eric Carle books). So far, we've read Bunnicula, Wizard of Oz, and Peter Pan,which we just finished today. We started The Case of the Invisible Dog, which is a story in a series about 4 kid-detectives matching wits with the 9-year-old scientist next door. I was very proud of Faith and Ryan for seeing the parallel with the mystery-solving genre of the Scooby Doo series. It is a much shorter book than the other 3 we've read, so I imagine we'll be in a new book by early next week. Ryan asked if we could read Treasure Island, so the children's chapter-book edition is on the bookshelf, along with Little Women, Swiss Family Robinson, and Tom Sawyer. The kids seem to love these illustrated chapter-book editions of classic literature, and I'm truly enjoying taking them on these little adventures into their imaginations!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
You CAN Lose Something You Never Had
I'm so sick of feeling like I'm grieving a loss when I haven't actually lost anything. Am I really a whole woman if I can't concieve? I feel the loss of something that I feel entitled to: having children. Perhaps there inlies the problem; I am not entitled to anything. Every good thing is a blessing from God, not a guaranteed entitlement.
They've run every test in the book on both Nathan and myself. He's not the problem. And although they can't pinpoint where my problem lies, I am apparently inept at baby making. It feels as though part of me has a void. My hearts' desire is to be a mother, so if that's not God's plan for me, where do I go from there? And why would God give me that desire if it isn't His plan? Or maybe it is, indeed, His plan, but just not yet.
We are in our 3rd cycle of Bravelle & Novarel. Mama grinned while watching me give myself a shot in May. "And this is the same girl who used to cry her eyes out if she had to get a shot at the doctor as a little girl!" We will be doing intrauterine insemination this month, and more than anything I am nervous that it, too, will be unsuccessful. Nathan and I agreed that we would try 3 months of fertility treatments, but no more. It's just too expensive to do indefinitely. If we don't get pregnant on this try, it's back to trying without the boost of modern medicine, which I apparently need to even come close to being a viable baby maker. Which is another issue for me: maybe God doesn't want us to have children, otherwise I would be able to concieve without medical assistance.
I think I'm spending too much time and energy trying to understand why God does certain things, when I should be spending my time and energy seeking God's will and trusting in Him despite my lack of understanding.
They've run every test in the book on both Nathan and myself. He's not the problem. And although they can't pinpoint where my problem lies, I am apparently inept at baby making. It feels as though part of me has a void. My hearts' desire is to be a mother, so if that's not God's plan for me, where do I go from there? And why would God give me that desire if it isn't His plan? Or maybe it is, indeed, His plan, but just not yet.
We are in our 3rd cycle of Bravelle & Novarel. Mama grinned while watching me give myself a shot in May. "And this is the same girl who used to cry her eyes out if she had to get a shot at the doctor as a little girl!" We will be doing intrauterine insemination this month, and more than anything I am nervous that it, too, will be unsuccessful. Nathan and I agreed that we would try 3 months of fertility treatments, but no more. It's just too expensive to do indefinitely. If we don't get pregnant on this try, it's back to trying without the boost of modern medicine, which I apparently need to even come close to being a viable baby maker. Which is another issue for me: maybe God doesn't want us to have children, otherwise I would be able to concieve without medical assistance.
I think I'm spending too much time and energy trying to understand why God does certain things, when I should be spending my time and energy seeking God's will and trusting in Him despite my lack of understanding.
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