You CAN Lose Something You Never Had

I'm so sick of feeling like I'm grieving a loss when I haven't actually lost anything. Am I really a whole woman if I can't concieve? I feel the loss of something that I feel entitled to: having children. Perhaps there inlies the problem; I am not entitled to anything. Every good thing is a blessing from God, not a guaranteed entitlement.

They've run every test in the book on both Nathan and myself. He's not the problem. And although they can't pinpoint where my problem lies, I am apparently inept at baby making. It feels as though part of me has a void. My hearts' desire is to be a mother, so if that's not God's plan for me, where do I go from there? And why would God give me that desire if it isn't His plan? Or maybe it is, indeed, His plan, but just not yet.

We are in our 3rd cycle of Bravelle & Novarel. Mama grinned while watching me give myself a shot in May. "And this is the same girl who used to cry her eyes out if she had to get a shot at the doctor as a little girl!" We will be doing intrauterine insemination this month, and more than anything I am nervous that it, too, will be unsuccessful. Nathan and I agreed that we would try 3 months of fertility treatments, but no more. It's just too expensive to do indefinitely. If we don't get pregnant on this try, it's back to trying without the boost of modern medicine, which I apparently need to even come close to being a viable baby maker. Which is another issue for me: maybe God doesn't want us to have children, otherwise I would be able to concieve without medical assistance.

I think I'm spending too much time and energy trying to understand why God does certain things, when I should be spending my time and energy seeking God's will and trusting in Him despite my lack of understanding.