Vampire Bunnies, Scarecrows, and Pirates

Summer has certainly ushered itself in, and in doing so has brought A LOT of heat! Dead grass, an empty water bowl, and constant reports of "Aunt Lori, I'm thirsty!" keep the current drought in the forfront of my mind. So, I turn on the sprinkler in the front yard (to water the grass and the kids). I refill the dog's water bowl 3 or 4 times a day. I pour dozens of cups of water and juice each day. It's usually late July or August before these things become the norm, but every year is different, I suppose, and so I roll with the punches. Although this drought has been ongoing for over a month now, I'm just seeing the metaphor between the drought of nature and my own drought.

I've been watching parts of myself wither and die of thirst, and yet I've not been able to figure out how to quinch them or bring them back to life. One of my best friends and I started a women's Bible study together last week: Stuck by Jennie Allen. It has been like a daily watering for my spirit. Part of my frustration of late has been the constant, "Everything will work out," "It will happen when it's supposed to happen," etc.  But I know that it may not happen, so I've been searching to find God's provision for my heartbreak. I've felt unfit, inept, unworthy, unfaithful. And I see all these things as weaknesses that I have to fix before God can "make it happen" for us. But Allen discusses in her study that God's power is brought to it's full potential through our weaknesses. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Christ says, "'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

This seems so fundamentally backward from what our human nature desires and finds normal. We fight to be perfect, to be successful, to be strong and independent. But last night while journaling, God gave me this mental image: When someone is drowning and fighting to stay afloat, it is nearly impossible to save them. But when they lose all stregnth and quit fighting, the rescuer can then save them. Similarly, when we quit fighting by ourselves to stay afloat in our own struggles, God can use our weaknesses to help us. Thus, the addage: "Let go, and let God," which is based in scripture in Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God."

Stuck is my "summer reading," and the kids are doing lots of summer reading, as well. I suppose they are doing "summer listening" since they can't read much yet (although Faith is doing great with Dr. Suess and Eric Carle books). So far, we've read Bunnicula, Wizard of Oz, and Peter Pan,which we just finished today. We started The Case of the Invisible Dog, which is a story in a series about 4 kid-detectives matching wits with the 9-year-old scientist next door. I was very proud of Faith and Ryan for seeing the parallel with the mystery-solving genre of the Scooby Doo series. It is a much shorter book than the other 3 we've read, so I imagine we'll be in a new book by early next week. Ryan asked if we could read Treasure Island, so the children's chapter-book edition is on the bookshelf, along with Little Women, Swiss Family Robinson, and Tom Sawyer. The kids seem to love these illustrated chapter-book editions of classic literature, and I'm truly enjoying taking them on these little adventures into their imaginations!

You CAN Lose Something You Never Had

I'm so sick of feeling like I'm grieving a loss when I haven't actually lost anything. Am I really a whole woman if I can't concieve? I feel the loss of something that I feel entitled to: having children. Perhaps there inlies the problem; I am not entitled to anything. Every good thing is a blessing from God, not a guaranteed entitlement.

They've run every test in the book on both Nathan and myself. He's not the problem. And although they can't pinpoint where my problem lies, I am apparently inept at baby making. It feels as though part of me has a void. My hearts' desire is to be a mother, so if that's not God's plan for me, where do I go from there? And why would God give me that desire if it isn't His plan? Or maybe it is, indeed, His plan, but just not yet.

We are in our 3rd cycle of Bravelle & Novarel. Mama grinned while watching me give myself a shot in May. "And this is the same girl who used to cry her eyes out if she had to get a shot at the doctor as a little girl!" We will be doing intrauterine insemination this month, and more than anything I am nervous that it, too, will be unsuccessful. Nathan and I agreed that we would try 3 months of fertility treatments, but no more. It's just too expensive to do indefinitely. If we don't get pregnant on this try, it's back to trying without the boost of modern medicine, which I apparently need to even come close to being a viable baby maker. Which is another issue for me: maybe God doesn't want us to have children, otherwise I would be able to concieve without medical assistance.

I think I'm spending too much time and energy trying to understand why God does certain things, when I should be spending my time and energy seeking God's will and trusting in Him despite my lack of understanding.